Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
