Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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