Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
