He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
