i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
