I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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