not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
