did you get engaged???
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
