you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
