Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
