if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
