apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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