he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
