she takes plan B like it's going out of style
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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