I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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