I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
