I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
