He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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