I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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