I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
