if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize