Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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