It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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