Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
