i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
