Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
