So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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