Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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