did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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