Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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