so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
pop tarts are not kleenex
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
