Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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