Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
