you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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