It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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