Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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