Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
