i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
