made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
