My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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