We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
