we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
