There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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