Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
