He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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