my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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