Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
