He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
