I think i peed on brittanys purse
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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