I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
