i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
