I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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