If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
