well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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