Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
