You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
