Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize