just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
