8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
