also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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