Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
