The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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