Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
