tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
